By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

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Bill Gates picks his own punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."

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Is Windows a virus?

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.
1. Viruses replicate quickly. Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Windows does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Windows does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Windows does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
A vastly wealthy, dying man calls his lawyer, doctor and accountant into his bedroom. With much of his remaining energy he says, "I've made each of your rich over the years from my fees. In return I'd like you to do me this one final favor. They say that 'You can't take it with you.' I want to prove them wrong. Here's $10,000 cash for each of you. When I die, I want you to bury it with me." The client dies several days later. At the gravesite the three men watch closely as they each drop envelopes into the hole as it is being filled in over the coffin. They decide to have a cup of coffee together and share some stories about the departed meal ticket. The lawyer starts grousing, "He was a difficult client, bothering me with nuisance lawsuits and endless contract revisions. He always argued about my bill and didn't want to reimburse me for expenses. I threw in only $7,500." The doctor chimed in, "He was always calling me in the middle of the night to make house calls when he could have taken two aspirin and called me in the morning. I put $5,000 in the envelope." The accountant rose indignantly and said, "Why you cheap SOBs, I gave him a check for the full $10,000." A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?" The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field" "You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist "How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously "Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!" Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between them was placed a briefcase full of money. Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?... Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap accountant! Three candidates are short listed for the accountant's job. They're all equally excellent, experienced and personable, etc. The chairman asks each the simple question "what is two and two?" The first replies " Four" The second replies " Statistically anything between 3.999 and 4.0111" The third replies " Well what do you want it to be ?" A young accountant dies. He immediately goes up to heaven (wishful thinking we know) and meets Peter. Because Peter is an organized sort of Saint, he goes through the required details. Peter : How old are you? Accountant: 33 Peter : That's impossible! Accountant: Why? I have looked at your time sheets and examined the hours that you have charged your clients - by my reckoning you are at least 97! An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A job interview is in progress, a bright and experienced accountant is interviewing for a position of a CFO. He is being interviewed by the members of board of directors and a CEO. During the interview the CEO suddenly asks: "Tell me, what is seven multiplied by three?" The accountant thinks fast and tells "22." Once the interview is over the accountant goes out, takes out the calculator and finds the answer - 21, disappointed, he goes home. Next morning he gets a call from the CEO, "Hey, you got a job." The accountant is pleasantly surprised. He cannot but ask, "Thank you very much for the job but what about seven multiplied by three?" The CEO tells him - "of all the candidates we interviewed, you came the closest."
On a sunny afternoon three accountants are standing near a tall pole and wondering about the height of the pole. First accountant, a CPA says, I do not think there is any authoritative guidance on how measure the height of a pole, that is not the job of accountants. Second accountant, a professor at a state university says, well, if we take a survey of similar locations and asked people about the height of poles, then we may be able to deduce height of this pole, it will be a good enough estimate. The third accountant is a professor at an Ivy league university. He confidently claims, if we measure the shadow of the pole under different conditions, then I can run a multivariate regression model and can give a very good estimate of the height. As this conservation is going on, an engineer is passing by, he stops and asks about their discussion. Accountants tell him, you probably can not understand this complex problem. The engineer persists and hears about the problem. He smiles, lifts the pole from the base, measures it, and says, "twelve feet and three inches," and walks off. Accountants look at him, laugh contemptuously and say in unison - "hell, we wanted to know the height of the pole and he tells us the length."
A very successful partner is a big six firm had a peculiar habit. He will go to his desk open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity. One day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside - it said - "left is debit and right is credit."
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage, and burn. The Martian goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the solar system. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage, and burn. What do you think of that?' The owner replies "I cannot express an opinion based on a hearsay evidence, I am a CPA"
An auditor is hard at work, auditing an airline. The auditor cannot understand an excess fuel consumption on a Detroit to Erie route, for flight no. 420. The auditor calls the pilot and demands an explanation. The pilot replies "It was a late night, snow storm was raging, and I lost my bearings." The auditor demands a statement, "for what?" the pilot asks. The auditor tells him "for lost bearings."
The auditors have taken an inventory of thermometers held in a warehouse, in summer. The thermometers will be exported out of the country in January, and are kept under lock and key. In December, auditors ask management to redo the inventory count. The management is surprised "Why? Nothing has changed." Auditors tell them "The inventory is overstated, in summer there is more mercury in the thermometers."
There was an expert accountant who was well versed in the game theory. He once hears that his intelligent niece, who is five years old, always takes a nickel, when a choice between a nickel and a dime is offered. He explains to his niece "You must understand, dime is twice as valuable as a nickel, so always choose a dime." The niece tells "Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money."
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over, it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. "973" says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I am a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an accountant with a Big Six firm," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that? "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
An Indian Accountant's Theory of Reincarnation - if you are a good accountant, virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist. One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting." A science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" An engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" An accounting graduate asks, "How much it costs?" A humanity graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that, Sir?"
A man lands on a hot air balloon in the middle of the desert, not knowing his whereabouts he looks around. Along walks another guy so the balloon man asks "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Sure" says the other one "longitude 23'45", latitude 34'12". "Oh," says the balloon man, "you must be accountant" "As a matter of fact, I am, how did you know?" "Well, you just gave me a very precise piece of worthless information." " I see" says the accountant "and you must be a consultant." "You are right, how did you know?" "As long as you're up in the air, you seem to know where you're going, but as soon as you get down to earth, you're lost."
While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, a ticket agent said on the paging system: "Would the accountant who dropped his pants please return to the ticket counter." After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"
An auditor is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get sleep at night." Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend many hours trying to find it."
Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to other two accountants, he says - "CPA's are trained to be extremely thorough." The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - "CPA's are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient." The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."
A partner is discussing ethics policy with the staff accountant. He says "We take ethics very seriously around here. Remember, we are professionals not businessmen." The young staff accountant is impressed. The partner elaborates "Yesterday I received a check from a client. It paid $5,000 more than our bill. Immediately an ethical question arose, shall I tell it to other partners?"
An auditor is hard at work auditing a manufacturing plant. He spots one worker at the end of the shift, that worker is always carrying a wheelbarrow covered with an opaque cloth. The auditor is certain something is fishy. He asks the security to check the wheelbarrow. Many surprise checks, security finds nothing. On the last day of the audit the auditor goes to the worker and asks, "Alright, I give up. I know you are taking something. I cannot prove it . I do not want to pursue it. I just want to know. What are you stealing?" The worker replies, "Wheelbarrows."
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?" "Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us." "Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?" "We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us." "And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?" The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well." "To the city!? And what do they send to you?" "Today they have sent you to us."
A young graduate begins working in the office of a fusty manufacturing concern. After a few weeks he has an accounting problem he can't solve. He goes to the Chief Accountant and shows him the problem and asks for help. Later in the day through the open door he watches as the Chief Accountant reads the report, opens his bottom desk drawer and stares down at something in the drawer and then writes the instructions.
Years later the young graduate is now the Office Manager. Again he has a problem, writes it uptakes it to the Chief Accountant. Again he watches through the open door as the Chief Accountant studies the problem. The drawer is opened , the long stare, then the writing of instructions.
The Office Manager puzzled over this for many a long night. What might be in that darn drawer? Years pass. The Chief Accountant is about to retire. The Office Manager comes into say good-bye but his curiosity gets the better of him. All these years I've seen you stare into that bottom drawer. What's in there?
The Chief Accountant says that since you will be my successor I can show you what was left for me by my predecessor when I came here 20 years ago. He opens the drawer.A note is pasted to the bottom of the drawer. It reads: THE DEBITS ARE ON THE SIDE CLOSEST TO THE WINDOW !!

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